It's stifling hot here in the Mid-West. As soon as I step outside in the morning, the air weighs so heavy on me I have trouble breathing. My garden is looking a little heavy too and I don't have many things blooming. My garden could be synonymous for my spirit. Not much blooming, just trying to bare the heat and stay alive. Changes at work, uncertainty of tomorrow, the constant longing for....
It feels like my heart is burdened as much as my flowers are.
But on my porch in their terracotta pots, the geraniums thrive and bloom. I can't help but smile yet, at the same time want to kick the pots off the porch. My "name sake" flower, if you will, geraniums - thrive and bloom best when the hot sun bears down and their soil dries up, reminds me of, well ... me or what I'm supposed to be - strong, independent, capable and best under pressure. But lately I've been wishing for a little TLC, a little peace, some cool ground... just a promise and someone who will keep it.
I've been drawn to geraniums for years, ever since I broke down and cried in art class while trying to paint my first one. (Here's the story.) I learned to paint them years ago and have never tired of them. When I moved to California on my own after nearly ten years of marriage and having to start over again, there were geraniums lining the streets it seemed. In California, they grow all year long and can handle a great deal of wear and tear. Baby Kitty liked to sit in a pot next to one on my porch in North Hollywood. I've left a trail of potted geraniums behind with my friends as I moved from place to place. Some of those plants are still alive. I see them in every place I visit and have tons of pictures of them. And while dating a guy years ago in L.A. he jokingly called me GerAmyUm because I painted them so much. The name stuck, but he didn't stick around - thank goodness.
And even though I have been able to overcome alot, there has been so much that is out of my control that makes me crazy and angry. I'm tired of bearing up under the heat and pretending like it doesn't bother me. I have worked hard at creating a life -- my job, my home, my relationships, my art... I work hard. Maybe it's time to just BE.... If I bloom, Great. If not, Great. Am I not still a geranium?
"Whole hearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, no matter what gets done and how much is left undone; I am enough." - Brene Brown from the blog Ordinary Courage.